I am sitting in my office, watching the light shine through the blinds. Work ends in an hour, and I am exhausted. I cannot think any more. While looking down to my computer screen I see a picture of soccer ball and remembered times I used to play soccer. Like spider webs my thoughts lead one to another and I find myself in deep thoughts of how many things I cannot do in my own city in all four seasons every day. I am not asking about big things but small things like walking, eating an ice-cream on the street, reading a book in a park, looking at trees on the sideways. Is this too much to expect?
Sunny Days- I love walking alone and getting distracted by a broken leaf or play with sun rays or better yet find an ant to follow. I love getting distracted because I feel alive when I walk with free spirit and no care. The wind in my hair, my face, my hands, my arms and my dress that dances with the wind- I love every bit of it. For at least 30 minutes I am not running on clock or have to care about time, schedules, people, and responsibilities. I can just be free.
Snowy Days- I don’t particularly fantasize about cold weather but sometimes snow can be fun, either with friends throwing snow balls or going out for random photo-shoot or just alone. I can hear my steps in the snow; I can feel little pieces of snow on my feet. I can feel the cold sharp breeze on my cheeks. Sometimes even my frozen lashes. It gets better and even more fun when I can draw shapes on window glass. I see the pale skin underneath my nails when I press my fingers together and then the blood rushing through. In the moment of harsh cold, I can still feel, think and be lost in nature of cold.
Rainy Days- I always hated the idea of rain because it’s wet and uncomfortable but this one time I loved it. I walked bare foot because my shoes were getting wet. It was not all that romantic as shown on screens in movies because I could feel the sand while walking. However, most exciting part was walking up the hill and feeling the rain water come rushing down like waves on my legs. Well, I had to jump and skip steps because of little warms (Totally disgusting) but I didn’t care much or paid enough attention to the warms being disgusting that one time. I was lost in feeling the sand, waves and rain drops on my face. I couldn’t be happier.
Cloudy Days- these are days when I do not feel like leaving my room. I want to stay in and watch some random show that does not make sense. Or read the book I have wanted to read so badly. Or just drink tea which I used to not drink but mysteriously and strangely I do now. Or paint. I like feeling paint on my fingers and shapes I can think of while not thinking.
Full Moon Nights- as pretty as moon is, its beauty scares me. I love big windows through which I can see all weathers. I love looking at it- not for long but for little while and just see the shapes on the moon and wonder about the stars. I love taking pictures and juxtaposition of tall tress against moon. These are my little fantasies of nature that I can play with at night.
Snowy Nights- One snowy night around two in the morning, I was walking alone, a little scared but once I walked for a minute my cheeks were all I could feel and the snow hitting it like little needles poking. Actually it wasn’t that bad, I loved the feeling, I could think of all pretty scenes I could film through camera lens. I could feel the wind in my hair and hands. I had the most genius ideas of filming, I think cold was making my brain sharp or maybe I was alone and could see things more clearly.
Now all those days are gone because this part of world doesn’t allow women to feel anything. I cannot feel the wind through my hair, or cold snow and rain on my cheeks; I cannot randomly find an ant to follow. I cannot walk at night staring at stars; be scared of beautiful moon and tall trees because I have to be home before it’s even close to dark. I can barely walk for a block without being harassed and my womanhood is sole reason for my limitation. If it’s raining I have to worry and find a shade so my clothes don’t reveal my `body. I cannot feel the wind through my hair because I have to watch out for my scarf not falling. I love wearing scarf but it has become my only form of identity and a judge of my character. I cannot walk in snow because other humans (men) standing on the street will throw snowballs- even if I dared to walk I always have to find the most sheltered place so I do not get harassed or hurt by the snowballs. The moment I step out of the house, thoughts of how to be careful, how to protect myself occupies my mind and then there is no place for free thoughts anymore. I am not allowed to even experience little harmless things because I look physically different from men, I look feminine and I am a woman- the walls of limitations women in my country have to experience, every time they want to walk freely, they want to think freely, they want laugh freely, or want to be themselves. They have to watch every single step.
My Inspirations 